Life doesn’t always go the way we think it should, sometimes it takes us going the long way ’round to get back where we started and realize that is where we are meant to be. Sometimes obedience looks like a hard path and a lonely way, it looks like struggle, and hardship and blessings not yet seen.
Blessings not yet seen does not always mean that they aren’t happening it just means we can’t see them through our struggle. I have come to find through my long wandering journey that God’s biggest blessings come through the trials. It is in these moments that we are blessed with the bitter-sweet of life. We experience the bitter of life’s tribulations, but the sweet of the presence of God. And it can be so sweet, let me tell you, dear friend, I know it doesn’t seem it now but it is. We think that it is on the mountaintop that we are most with God, but I believe it is in the depths of the valley where God truly reveals His presence to us. He loves us enough to allow us to walk through hard things that we might know Him more deeply and know His love for us more fully.
The last few years have been bittersweet for me, the struggle and heartbreak of a calling that God called us away from. I have cried and been to the depths, I have struggled with heavy depression and anxiety over so many things. I saw very clearly before me a path where I could continue on with God into an unknown future where it was like jumping off a cliff, or my own path of whatever I chose to do, building walls around my heart for safety. I chose God’s path, I plodded along for many months and moved in His direction, through heartbreak, anger, fear, and the unknown. I would like to say that once I moved in His direction it became easier, it did not, I just knew it was where I was supposed to be and I kept in obedience. Only now almost 2 1/2 years later am I finally seeing the resolution of the direction God has been taking me in. During this journey He has taught me faithfulness, courage, freedom, and- not how to be enough- but to seek Him to be enough for me. And now this ship in the wild ocean has come to safe harbor. It has truly been the long way to come to the place of completely giving over to Him, allowing Him to fill me, I am still learning to be okay with my shortcomings knowing that He says, “‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest in me.” (2 Corinthians 12:9) You know, it feels good to be weak, because no matter how hard I try to keep it together I am never enough, I can never be a good enough: wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, anything. So let me be weak and let Him be strong in me!
And I have to chuckle to myself and the journey I have taken and where it has led me to because it was right where I had been all along. I thought that I needed to be more than a wife, mother, friend, but it turns out that is my calling! I laugh with joy knowing that the young girl I used to be, as yet untouched by brokenness only ever wanted to be a those things. Somehow along the way as the world took large chunks out of my heart I swallowed the lie that who I am, what I now know God was calling me to wasn’t enough. It took all this time, not just 2 1/2 years but 15 years of running away for me to come to this place of acceptance, not because I am the best, or even good, at being anything but because God has called me and He is faithful. “He who calls you is faithful, He will surely do it.” (1 Thessalonians 5:24) and thank God that we can know, “If we are faithless, he remains faithful- for He cannot deny Himself.” (2 Timothy 2:13). So I fully commit myself to being surrendered to God’s calling and seeking Him when I am not enough, and you know what? His calling is enough, the world doesn’t get to tell us otherwise!
If you are struggling today and there doesn’t seem to be and end in sight remember to cling to God in the unknown, because none of it is unknown to Him!